25.7.05
I've never felt so clear-headed before (it must be the jambu).
I actually wanted to say something about happiness.
The stuttering brought me back 4 years. I mean, the last time I had a real no-holds-barred vocal block was in p6, and strangely enough (not really) involved a nice girl i had a crush on at that time (the not-so-pleasant memory has been burned into my brain already haha)
Then it hit me. I am not happy. Heck i think few people are happy. People who call themselves 'hyper' (me included) aren't really happy, they're just drug-laden. Sort of the difference in effect between LSD/caffeine/crack and cookies and cream ice cream. If you poke hard enough the layers of encrusted caffeine will crumple, and what you have is basically anyone else.
It recalls the lit text we're doing. The achievement of the American Dream is but a lousy replacement for a deeper desire.
I don't feel happy when I get a gpa of 3.95, nor when i win another trophies/prize money/awards/whatever crap. Sure there's Pride, and Satisfaction, but there's no real happiness, no real achievement of what I really want.
The times I'm happy are when we're at the bus stop, waiting to go home after the competition/band/whatever else, eating dinner at S-11/long-john's talking utter nonsense and irritating everyone around. We're doing Nothing but Slacking, but its a chance to forget myself, even for a brief moment. Throw that ego to the ground and stamp it, then hastily put it back in when the teacher comes around again.
So nilhilistically buddhist... destroy and deny the self.
I am happy when I make people happy. When she smiled at me it was like walking in from the rain into a warm home. Your extremities tingle like a recent electrocution, and you walk around with this idiotic half-smile for the rest of the day. Oh how I long for yesterday.
I am happy when I make people happy. When people smile at me, when they say Words. Ohwait I can remember the second-last full-on vocal block, in a bus 88 outside seagate, two years ago, then this lady suddenly came up to me (she was smiling so i probably did something good) and asked
"what school you from arh boy?"
"...r....rr...r..r...rrr..rrr..ivervalley" (panic lor, so say the first school that comes into head)
figures.
I think you don't have to keep reminding people that you're happy if you're really happy. I've seen truly happy people, and they're like a lightbulb painted over. You can feel the aura from ten metres away =p
Now this sounds weird but
stay happy people!
I know I ain't perfect but I sure am trying as hell.
p.s. I'm blogging about myself too much. This will be the last of them, anyway.
ate your heart out at 11:57 PM
